Marriage: When Life Throws You Curveballs
I admit, I’m not much of a baseball fan; but there’s one thing I know as a financial planner and coach.
Life throws you curveballs.
A lay-off, a diagnosis, a “surprise” third child that wasn’t quite in the budget, a house that’s become a money pit. For sure, life’s curveballs can create a tremendous amount of stress and unexpected financial pressure.
And, if you’re married or in a committed partnership, you may feel like these curveballs puts added strain on your relationship that can often seem unbearable.
When life throws you curveballs, how can you make sure your marriage can catch them?
If I could answer this is 500-word blog, I’d be a marriage miracle worker! While this topic is obviously vast, here are three tips to get you started and help make sure you and your partner can work together as a team when the unexpected happens:
1. Don’t wait to plan: When new clients ask how often we should meet for a formal review, I usually say at least once yearly, OR whenever a major life event happens. Whether you are working with a financial professional or not, you should use the same cadence in your relationship.
Like the yearly Presidential address, schedule at least one annual review when you sit down together and talk about the “State of your Finances” – how things look now and where you’d like to go in the near future to make sure you are on the same page.
But, when something unexpected happens like the examples above, make sure you schedule the same type of meeting together to ensure that you map out a strategy and plan of action. This needs to be a scheduled meeting that you prepare for – don’t just spontaneously try to mention a few important items in the five minutes before you’re running out the door to work. Set aside at least one hour to discuss the best way to manage whatever’s come your way and work through compromises BEFORE the stress gets too big or urgency sets in (e.g. in the “surprise” baby example, schedule a “financial talk” at least six months before your due date when the anxiety may be less).
Be strategic with both the timing and what you want to accomplish, and schedule follow-up money discussions afterwards, if needed.
2. Stay away from “Victim-Villain” roles and language: This happens less in the beginning of a “curveball” but can often creep up after the initial shock is over. For example, when one partner is laid off, typically there’s sympathy from the other person at first; however, when months pass and it looks like there’s no job offer on the horizon, it’s easy to slip into the Blame Game.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to be aware of your perspective and resist the need to be “right,” as tempting as it may be. Find ways to continue to support your partner, increase your own income, or reduce spending creatively until the other’s back on their feet.
Even when there’s “evidence” that the other may not be making as much of an effort to better the situation, falling into “Victim-villain” roles or the Blame Game will only make things worse. I’ve never seen a case where insulting, undercutting, or nagging motivates your significant other (or perhaps it may, but with a lot of pent-up resentment!).
3. Find support – Curveballs are, by nature, unexpected and throw you off your game, so this is not necessarily the time to play Superwoman. If you can find a way to handle it all on your own through what may be a tough financial patch – great. But if you find yourself losing sleep, picking fights with your partner, bottling up resentment or sadness, it’s time to seek some support. Ideally, you want to talk with your partner about such things. But if this is adding to both your stress levels, call in a third party.
This could be a professional such as a coach, therapist or financial planner; but you can also find support in a family member, good friend or even through online articles and books for guidance and tips.
Added tip: When looking for support, make sure it adds to your positivity and eventually is solution-oriented; while having a place to “vent’ can be temporarily satisfying, ultimately this can hurt your relationship in the long run if you are not careful. Venting too much reinforces negative beliefs about your partner and further separates you, rather than emphasizing the idea that you are a team.
No matter how much you plan, life is not easy. In fact, the unexpected is always a part of life. So, ironically, expect them. Plan for them. And find ways to keep the communication open, so you and your partner can work through them together.